Pain is an elixir as much as it is a poison.

Someday it will make you feel like your life has been the same drag for an eternity and the next it will make you fall in a new hell you never knew existed.

Its a pill you hate to swallow but life jostles it down your throat anyway.

Its a drug you want to quit but your not aware of a life without.

Its a sorrow at times too shallow to hide yet usually deep enough to hurt.

Its the darkness of the night that swallows you whole yet has a moon shining to make you think you can see your path.

Willoan

There lived a shy being called Willoan. Deep in the forests did he dwell. Alone, like the scattered wind that roams its kingdom with the company of many but alone still for none bides by his way for more than their calling.
So roamed the realms of the worlds our Willoan but after each of his journeys to his joyous little garden did he return. hidden deep in the woods, in the middle of a shallow pond he spent his days. Dreaming, of the stars that bejewel the night, whispering to the birds that brought him tidings of his merry worlds afar, leaning on the dark trees as they swayed with the mighty winds and let their leaves rustle when they glided softly by.
Alone in this majesty did he reside. Never in want of anything, never living with the fears of the day. He followed the eve into its descent for the night and the night back into tis climb for the dawn. He pranced in the meadows with the deers and swallows and lurked in the night with the wolves and their shadows. A life of tranquility was his, but still filled with the phatom of desires.
A phantom I say for he had only heard of this thing they called esire but enver had he known it in its truest sense. For all that he had ever imagined was his, he had wnadered the world afar from the shores of the north to the white mountains of the South. Alone and in company had he drifted, passing by the corridors of the woods and then by the riverside. He had seen what the world had to offer and in contenment did he survive. Desire to him was nothing more than the mist of a dream we wake up from but once awake its always a little shadow on the corners of our eyes, flirting with our senses, always slipping away the moment we bend out to touch it. So my friends, desire he had felt but knowing is altogether a different crime.

to be continued

To be lost and never found

To be lost and never found, to swim around and never drown.

To live by the night and die by the day, to fall in love and then fall back all over again.

Walking down the hall to the upstairs basement, or looking through the glass at the image of your shadow.

Lifes got you confused ,, like in a hazy and dreary dream, dont know where to go, dont know where you've been.

Keep returning where I've already been ....lost to be never found, always just turning around.

Drowning, if only to swim around.

A series of questions with answers in parables ..stories of the past meant just to steer your future away.

For my friend, 'Dont look into the blinding dark or ull end up burnt and blind,

dont loose your faith again .. for this time it might not be found.. may be lost and never found.

The End

He lit another cigarette as she came into the room. He never glanced in her direction or moved from his place as the room slowly drowned into the smoke. The matchstick would have burned his finger had it not been for the draft of chilly wind that seemed to creep in from somewhere. It swept into his clothes and chilled his blood at length. Enough to make any man shiver but not enough to distract this one.

His mind stayed focused on her. And hers on him.

She walked around the room, circling him. But at the very same time the man showed his first signs of motion as his head fell into his hands resting on the table and a small gasp of breathe emanated from him. A slight sob could be heard.

The woman looked on as the cigraette lay dancing on the table, swaying here then there in the draft as the man slowly gathered himself up and motioned as if to stand up but collapsed right back into his chair. She could not bear the look of desolation on his face and it was all she could do to even pray that she could cry. The man turned to his side so he was no longer facing her. He tried to pick up the cigarette again but his fingers seemed unable to perform even this act. His face was one of a man crying in despair but no tears streaked his face.

And then all of a sudden a small smile came across his face. Not a creature of joy but the gray wisp of a smile of one who has nothing to loose and only the mystery to stare into.

One who has naught but little hope and destiny to cling on to.

She moved towards him and said out loud as if making a declaration, "Fate played a cruel hand to you. But dont despair. There is always more to things than we can understand."
And at the same time he looked up at the cieling and exhaled; then in a quiet absolute whisper he said, "I wish i had told you how i felt. I wish we could turn back time. There is a desire in all our hearts to redo things as and how we could make the most of them. I wish i could live back my life again. Make all my mistakes again learn all those lessons all over. But most of all i wish i could undo the one thing that has led us to where we are." And with that finality he let the cigarette drop.

The clock ticked 5 minutes to noon.

The door opened and two uniformed guards came to escort him to his destination.

The woman followed him as he walked ahead with his head held high and the same smile on his face. The two men besides him felt a small chill going up their spine and looked back at nothing.

As they reached their common destination they set the man down at his assigned place and then took up theirs.
"For the murder of your wife, in the second, by causing acts leading to her death while in medical care, the state condemns you to death by electrocution. May the Lord have mercy on your soul"

The woman watched as they killed the one man who had set her free from all the suffering this world had bestowed upon her. She watched as her man died for saving her from a torment she had begged him to end.

________________

The End

________________

Not really a story, but a question.........

Mr schmidt used to say to himself that he was very hollow inside. Infact he was.

He could not feel remorse, sadness, pain, exuberence. Nothing.You might say he did not know if he was even human anymore. But certainly not divine or inhuman. No no... certainly not that.

But what is a person when he no longer feels, cares, cries or laughs. All this when he knows he should. He knows he should feel remorse when his lady left him saying she was forever someone elses and then had an affair with a third man.

He knew he should be sad. Maybe... maybe he could also have cried. He had cried in front of her once had he not. And now that she had, to his mind, betrayed him in sorts, he should be ready to break down. Had not he dedicated every moment he was with her and every other to making her life better. Was she not the focus of his existence. Maybe he should even loose all hope and faith. He knows this is what he would have expected of himself earlier.

But the fool just doesnt feel. Anything.

He cares very much about what happened and whats happening, much like an analyst, but he certainly doesn't feel anything about it.

He doesnt feel guilt like he used to when he didnt complete his own goals for work or just doesn't care about the results anymore. He feel he no longer needs the support he once banked upon.

He feels very squarely and truly dead indeed.

He doesn't feel the surge of happiness when the woman he wanted to give his heart to smiles at him... maybe because he doesnt want to risk anything anymore. It is humanely possible to hide the person in you. Maybe forever. maybe just long enough. If your not sad you must be happy. Isnt that how it works. Or is there a middle ground. Or maybe his state doesnt exist in this realm. Its outside the terms of reference. A silent grayness along the pictures of stark black and night.

Mr Schmidt knows the world doesnt know anything about this or that any part of this thats going on in his mind. He's glad or those who care about him might make a mess or when they dont see him sad maybe theyll assume hes happy. No point in bothering those kind souls.

He doesn't really know what to do but one things for sure.. he'll continue to be stone dead forever......

shouldnt he...???

My Fate, and maybe yours too…

Every time I see the mirror

It’s a face staring blank

Shadows of my past;

the ghosts of yesterdays.

My life is naught,

it haunts me still.

Every face, a hollow tear.

Deathly lives, shadowy graves

The pain is here to stay

My life does fade away

The death of yesterday

A blank on tomorrows face

The plague consumes it all

All at stake, lost everything.

The worlds collide, as I try my last sacrifice.

Save it all again,

from a dark retribution.

The messiah of death is here,

Who will save god now?

Fear is his name,

death his slave.

Clasping the blade of death

the reaper is here to stay.

Lost within my head

he steers me to my grave

Death will take us all

But fear will lead and sway.

To a hollow life,

a meaningless fight.

We fight but do not know

the prize dearly awaits!

I missed the bus every single day.

The bus stop was not even on my route. I just happened to be there one fine day, lsot after another of my drunk sojourns in the old town. Another night that was meant to be a blurred image of things I did but never could remember.
But i guess the fates though enough’s enough, and took things in their hands and sent her there.

So here i was at this little street corner in some part of the town I had never been to before. I was too drunk to even stand so I went and sat down on the first bench that hit my eye.

A calmness, one known only to those purveyors of fine wine, hit me hard. My vision was about to zero out in a couple of minutes; i could tell from experience that id end up spending the night on the bench or in a little jail cell in the local police station.

But before I could fade away my eyes glanced upon her. A woman coming up the road in my direction. She carried many parcels in her hands. As is usual with me, my eyes went to purvey her body but somehow I couldn’t do it. The mind kept flitting right back to her rich brown hair. It seemed as if it would smell of coffee and chocolates. But what really had me were her eyes. Glimmering black pearls they shone so bright and with such love that for a minute I could think of nothing but ways of thanking god for creating such perfection.

Her gaze met my stare for a second and she passed a smile. Not the seductive pleasures I was used to, but rather a warm and gentle hug sort of smile. I’ve only read this in books but at that moment it felt like there was sunshine and wind chimes everywhere. She stopped just a few feet away from my bench at what seemed to be a bus stop and put down her bags.

I couldn’t do anything other than stare at her. She was such a pleasure to look at. I don’t remember blinking even once. I just stared.

My heart seemed to skip a beat and my mouth went dry. I tried getting off the bench and introducing myself to this strange encounter who seemed to fill the whole place with sunshine and lilies but as soon as I tried I fell down from the bench and hit myself hard on the head.

She moved ahead to help me but a man in a long overcoat got to me before her and helped me sit down. He dropped a coin in my lap.

What! Did he think I was a homeless drunkard…!!!!

Then her bus arrived and she left.

The very next day I came again to that very same bench. I don’t even remember how I found the place again. This time I was sober. A fear gripped me that all this was a dream and I had imagined the girl up in my state of intoxication. But the pain my neck seemed to disagree.

And just to clear things up, she came again. Again carrying a half a dozen parcels in her hands. The same vibrant smile and lovely hair. Again the lust that I assumed would grab hold of me seemed to be a silent spectator and something else seemed to be happening inside my head. I kept staring at her and I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t.

Things went on the same as yesterday to an extent. I sat on the bench and stared while she seemed to be lost in hr own world, singing old lyrics and humming children’s tunes.

Why was this woman so important for me??!!

I watched her board the bus again. The number 12. But I never boarded it. I had no idea why.

Fo a whole week the same thing continued. I cant even remember the dresses she wore or if she had jewelry or not. I cant even remember if she was a tenner or a niner.

All I remember to this day are those eyes and the smile.

So I was sober for the whole coming week and stood there at the sme place at the same time everyday. She came, always wit those parcels in her hands. Always I stared at her and she chose not to make an issue out of it.

Then one day she stopped coming

I don’t know why, maybe because she was afraid of me, maybe she left town. Maybe she used to come there for some work and then it was over so she no longer came.

I never found out. I was scared of following her on the bus or maybe I just wanted to preserve those moments of joy as they were, afraid that nay confrontation would just destroy it.

All I know is that I staring at her for those two minutes was the best part of my life. Ever.

The lesson of the leaf

A new leaf was sprouting out of the stalk. It was a bright green in colour. Something that would make you happy if you just glimpsed at it. A drop of dew fell on it from the bigger leaf just above it as a nice warm breeze blew around it.
Very soon it will develop into a full bright leaf and will help the plant, its mother, in its metabolic life. Someday someone might smile just because they looked at it and felt satisfied and happy inside themselves.
The leaf is happy because it serves a purpose. It has a life of its own. It is a being in itself. and while being itself it is also part of something big. a whole plant whose survival depends on others just like him. they live together and die together. When one leaf dies its important that others take over the dead leafs job and honour its passion and work. Then a new leaf would rise in the shadow of the old and carry on the work that leaves need to do.

If it takes fancy it could break away from the plant and fly along in the wind. A beautiful flight alone, unhindered. it floats in the air in a lofty airy way. It is happy and content. It talks to the wind and the wind smiles back, busy with its own work but always free enough to smile back an encouragement.
The leaf is happy. It is seeing the world. It is doing something it always wanted to. See the other worlds, meet insects and flowers. feel their touch and smell. take in the air around it every new place it goes.

Soon the leaf, without the help of the old plant that is now a tree, start yellowing and it learns that it is now growing old and weak. Death is not coming.
The leaf smiles and never stops. The bug asks it why it is smiling even if its going to die very soon. The leaf says - I lived a content life, I shall die happy and alive.
The bug thinks the leaf is crazy and goes away muttering. The old leaf rustles in the warm autumn wind, now shining slightly with a gold pallor, reminiscing in the glory of its younger years.
As it gets closer to the ground for its last stop it talks to hundreds of other just like him, travelers, nomads of the world of silent truth.
The leaf tells of what it has learnt in its life. Some get frustrated by it and call it an old mumbling fool who did not know that life is not as beautiful as he makes it seem.
The leaf talks of its old heartaches and sadness, a life full of colour and vibrant with experiences it had told many times over. The young sapling learns from it and the tree shuns it away. He floats to his end still telling his tale to any who cares to hear. the young are the most eager. he continues till he can and ends it all with a smile.
It dies leaving behind a legacy that many have felt and become a part of though no one really knows it.

It lived on forever.

Greed,Remorse,War and Death!

He was standing outside his enemies Embassy. The buildings white walls and glass facade glittered in the autumn sun and almost blinded him for a second. It's glaze staring down at him as if wanting to sear through his soul. The thought made him feel a chill in the warmth that was that sunny day. No wind blew, not a leaf rustled in that stillness. Every second seemed to pass by slower than the last. An impeding doom seemed to stare over his head.

His grip around the briefcase tightened more than before. It was more important than his whole life's worth. he could not let anything happen to it at any cost. The black baggage represented a symbol of vengeance. a sign of angst and retaliation. No stone had been left unturned for this one time. The device inside was going to deliver justice tonight. All his enemies owuld be shaken with just one blow to their heart. The building seemed to look through him again. He felt uncertain.

But then the words of his commander flashed through his mind again.
These people had betrayed the holy cause of all men on earth and death was their final punishment 'on earth'. The kind lord would give them their final verdicts to hell once they were served to him. And that was his duty. To bring them to justice and do the work of his god on earth so that the beauty of his lord may shine upon the faces and hearts of millions who never knew his true nature.

This one task was his to complete and justice would be delivered. He should not fail.

He could not fail.

He would not fail.


A sudden darkness erupted in the sky as some clouds rushed to cover up the sun. It's features hidden by the clouds but not blocked as they filtered around the edges of the cloud.

The pistol was heavy. It had just one bullet. He would not get time to use a second anyway. The single bullet would spread his message. no, not his message. it would work as the messenger of god, riding on its golden wings of fire to all the people in all the worlds. he was the tool and bullet was the key to unlock and spread the message.

A car zoomed very close by as he crossed the road. He had to be more careful. If only they had given him some training. All he knew was to pull the trigger. He did not need to learn to take aim at such a situation. All that he had done for the last one week was to sit and pray in his cabin and listen to the words of his commander.

"The work of God is above all else, God resolves himself in all that is right and needs to be done. Do what you can to save his world."

He came closer to the steel and glass doors. Those revolving gates that would be the last he crossed before his arrival upon heaven. Death, he had heard was just another adventure. It made him smile. That line always did, specially in the last week.

Now the doors were just a step or two away. Before he entered he stopped and took everything into account. His time for duty and vengeance was here. Today he would do something that would spread the message of his war everywhere. An act so unique that everyone would have to listen or they would die of frustration and curiosity. It was a foolproof plan. Success would be in his hands, in it's own way.

A cool breeze welcomed him as he opened the door. It took him into another world. A world he had once belonged to. A snowy hill covered in frost and alpines. The chilling wind blew int his face. He and the other woodcutters were all working hard to earn their pay that night. The festival was very close by and everyone wanted to buy more things for and with their family.

Taking a break he sat down on one of the felled logs and looked down the hill at the smal lvalley that was his hometow. A quiet paradise untouched by the crimes against humanity. A small paradise where life was simple and happy. A town with its small quiet river that bubbled from inside the hill and divided the town right into two. The small open field where the little children came to play everyday after school. the town market where even now the hawkers were busy setting up their makeshift shops and stalls. The ladies parlour where all the women would go bustling in as chattering little monkeys and come out looking all the same but oh so much better.
The bakery with its wooden chimney that filled the whole square with a taste of sweet-bread and water in the mouth.
How the wind used to caress its lovely little trees and blow the soft smoke over every other house.

It was a happy town.

Until that hideous evening where the setting sun was casting feelings of great sorrow and loneliness at his heart. He did not know why. His wife and son waited for him to bring the buying money home and they would buy new clothes for the Festival and then show them off the other day. The whole town was just waiting to burst with joy and excitement. All the lumberjacks were working extra hard. Everyone wanted to get an extra log of wood more so that they could buy a new cap for themselves or a new dress for the wife or maybe even a second toy for their child. Everyone had heir dreams that evening.

The bombs came one after the other. The sudden blast took everyone by such surprise that they did not notice they had just gone deaf because of the blast.
Then came more. One after the other more blasts came and the whole town was rippe into pieces. The men on the hill watched as their lives were torn apart by those lights and sounds in front of their eyes. Their dreams lost.

He rushed down the slope, falling a million times on that rocky slope, never noticing all the cuts and bruises he amassed. Never in a state of mind to recognise the path that would safely lead him down the slope from the otherside.

As he reached the bottom the charred remains of his little town stared at his face. The Smell of burning and blasted powder filled the air and an eerie silence filled the town as the men fell on the ground. Broken men. They did not know if they were too numb to cry or that they couldn't hear their own sobs because of the deafness of the blast.

He wounded his way through the smoking debris and came to the field that used to join his home. Out in the garden he could see something. As he entered he looked down near the garden fence and saw splatters of red allover. his son's charred body lay next to his wifes. Both in a tight hug. Holding each other. their bodies black from the blasts. They had stood exactly where they had been every night, awaiting his return, smiling and warm. Now they lay cold and dead.

The memory of that night was still fresh in his mind. The newspaper had later said that the Righteous enemy had thought that his town had been a muilitary base and the surprise attack had been launched on the Dictatorial-Undemocratic-Terrorist-Rogue-Evil state to protect the world from The Nemesis that was his nation. So many tags. So many labels. So many excuses to gain more power and wealth.

He entered through the door. All his feelings of hatred had somehow dissapeared. what filled him now was remorse. remorse and sadness that he had died before her and him. He had to do their funeral rights. No man deserved to bid goodbye to his young son and wife as they made their way to the last warm embrace of the mother earth.

He checked his pocket. The note was still there. It had a small message.

"You destroyed my life, my town, my family. I have nothing to live for. My Blood is on your hands. That one self-righteous nation has destroyed everything i stood for. Goodbye."

The security check was in front of him. It could easily detect a gun. It wouldn't. Feet's away from it he stopped.

Opened his suitcase.
Took out the pistol.
Took aim.
And shot himself.

_____________________________________________________________________

Zaya

The ID tag around her neck read

Name - Unknown
Description - Suicide Victim

she walked further on the road to the sound of crashing waves. her long black hair swayed in the warm summer night. The din of crashing waves in the distance told her that she had to walk that way.
She did not remember how she had gotten to the hospital, she still wore the white gown she had woken up in.
as she walked on she tore away the bandage at her wrist and the wounded wrist started bleeding again. Looking at it with contempt she cursed out slowly, it hadn't served its purpose, she was still alive, whats the use of slitting your wrist if you have to live through the pain and not die.
a bat swung over her head, good, a sign of darkness.

her life had always been black, from an abused childhood to a darker adulthood. hate had been the only other constant. she hated her parents, her brother, her friends, the betrayers, her boyfriend.........everyone. they all deserved her hate, some weren't even worth her wrath.
scars from all those days still covered her body and the last one was the only one she had given herself. all trophies of the curse hurled upon her on her birth.

She remembered one night, she had been hiding under the stairway, her mother came looking for her with a broom and beat her black and blue for breaking a plate. cursing "why were you even born, we were so better off without you, you little wretch, piece of the devil"

she wished shed never been born at all, ah the ecstasy of that thought. it made her laugh, laugh out loud.

anything that made her pain seem to shrink, anything that could make her happier, was but a joke. life was cruel to all, but specially to he. she was life favourite pet. playing around with her, making her cry, for endless nights and then getting beaten for crying. that was all life had ever been. and an endless circle of wrath, pain and death. death of emotions, death of feeling, death of happiness, death of smiling.

sorrow was too expensive for her to feel and pain to sticky to get rid of.

she laughed out again.

the road had almost come to an end. the large blue sea was right there in front of her.

climbing over the fence she slipped and tumbled down the edge. she never tried to save herself, pain was something she was so used to that a little more wouldn't affect her at all. making her way to the very edge of the rocks she started singing a song she had once heard

______________________

death will come one day
free us from these bonds
a dawn of glory
a release from pain

death will come one day
and free me of my bonds
____________________________

She stood atop the tallest rock, closest to the shore. so close that she could feel the spray of the waves on her bare feet. those feet were bleeding from the journey. cracked and ugly, their blood mingled with the sea, feeding it its share of hatered's food. the black waters leered at her as she pictured everyone who had made her life living hell.

Every face in order of when they had come, ending with her lover. she hated them all, all except one. him she dispised so strongly that words werent enough to explain that. he had made her a slave, her life hell. he had used her and thrown her. she was nothing, but a slave. she wasnt herself but n object of pleasure and utility.

oh she hated him too dearly to call it hate.

with one last look at the sky she said a prayer for the first time in her life. and then she jumped into the ice cold water. She awaited death with open arms.

___________________________________________________________________

as she drowned in the water her eyes became blurryfrom choking. her neck was collapsing. blood filled her insides, overflowing, pain engulfing her spirit. the end was near, and it was horrible. she felt as though a thousand hands were choking her and a million needles,ice-cold were pricking her everywhere. every part of her hurt, oh the pain. if this was death it couldnt be worth the pain.

her vision went out but at the last moment she thought she saw a light up in the heavens, shining at her, for her. she prayed again, not knowing what she did.

_____________________________________________________________________

To be ended...